I am not Yours

I am not yours, not lost in you,
Not lost, although I long to be
Lost as a candle lit at noon,
Lost as a snowflake in the sea.

You love me, and I find you still
A spirit beautiful and bright,
Yet I am I, who long to be
Lost as a light is lost in light.

Oh plunge me deep in love — put out
My senses, leave me deaf and blind,
Swept by the tempest of your love,
A taper in a rushing wind.

- Sara Teasdale

About Last night

He smiled at me and gave me a moment to collect myself. He is undoubtedly charming. And insanely hot. Intelligent too – and let me throw that in here for good measure. If I weren’t this messed up, we would have ended up having a real good time. But I am this messed up. And I come with my insecurities, my obsessions and my bouts of insanity. I am not sure if there is a man in this world, who would want to handle all that. And he stands there, smiling. Unaware of the battle that I am waging in my head.

I could have smiled back and ended up spending the night with him. A night that I am sure would have been one to remember. But smiles do not come easy to me sometimes. And I did not want to smile. Not just yet. I am tired of seeing the empty spaces that people leave, when they no longer want to occupy them. I am tired of impulses.

My black phonebook is full of momentary lapses of judgment. Phones that are never picked up. Messages that are never returned. Remorse that is never shared.

And I did not smile. For the first time in many years, I did not smile. And so I returned home alone, but happy and struck off a name from my black phonebook

Of Friends and Bitching..

The work week’s been shitty last week. I had to work the weekend also and by Monday… that was yesterday, I was totally pooped. To top it all, Abhishek (the jerk I have been dating) went incommunicado on Sunday – right before the “couples only” office thingie that I had. So needless to say I spent most of the Sunday and Monday fuming and irritated. But out comes Kimberly with a bottle of wine and an invitation to spend the evening in her cozy den and everything changed.

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

I woke up in a terrible mood today. Have been grunting since morning. Just one of those days when ABSOLUTELY nothing goes right and every fucking thing you do gets you pissed even more.

One of those days when you realize that your job’s not going anywhere and you don’t have shit in the name of a social life. When your parents start sucking your blood – telling you to get married, get a better job, get thin… You have this work thing you need to go to… and you don’t have a date… Fucking morons are busy with the cricket season…!

And to top it all, I’ve caught a throat infection from someone at work. Right now… at this moment… life couldn’t get shittier (I mean not even if I found out that I have AIDS!)

Passing Away in Bits

I often see him pass my door. Every time he passes, I arch my ears to catch his voice. Sometimes I wonder why do I do that? He doesn’t know that I am there. In fact he has stopped regarding me perhaps as a live entity.

Sometimes I wonder though, does he think of me on nights that he can’t sleep? He used to think about me a lot when we were together. Mostly, he used to worry. Someone told me he’s fine. It feels strange. He’s fine. I am not. Not really.

He once told me that he had a dream about me. He couldn’t remember what it was, but in his dream, he was playing with my hair. And suddenly he woke up and realized his hand was in his brother’s hair.

100 things about me…

Since I have been working from home the last few days, thanks to the breathing trouble, I have had a lot of time to mull over my life and do a lot of introspection. So continued from here

1. I am overly self critical
2. I am grossly misunderstood
3. I am a loner
4. I binge eat
5. I did not worry about my weight, but I do now
6. I do not like people
7. I have been a victim of incest
8. I studied social work just out of curiosity
9. I am one of the biggest procrastinators EVER
10. I do not care about pleasing people
11. I enjoy sex more than I wish I would
12. I smoked weed once just so that I would seem cool to the people I hung out with
13. I hate mice. I am not scared of them, I just think that they are utterly disgusting
14. I have had several relationships. Not even one worked out
15. The longest relationship I have been in lasted 3 years

I Do

I look at the empty chair beside me. It’s been quite a while since it has been empty. I get up. To fix something to eat. I stare at the fridge. I don’t know how to fix anything for one. I am so used to two. A tear goes unnoticed as I bend down to get me a glass of water.

And suddenly I am not very hungry. The apartment looks so big without him. I look at the cracks in the paints of the wall. They had to be done this week. But I don’t really care about them anymore. Peels are falling off. They can fall all over this god forsaken place. The cassette in the player is all unwound. I don’t bother to reverse it. Whats the meaning of the music without him?

I stare out of my window, drinking from the still cold water bottle. No conversations for tonight. There’s no one to talk to. I who shunned conversations. They have shunned me now. And I am desperate for words. Desperate for movement.

“Do you know what this is?”
“No i don’t.”
“But whatever it is?”
“Its very powerful.”
“Have you felt this way before?”
“No I thought I’d know.”
“Do you know that I love you now?”
“Oh yes I do…”
“You’ve got the softest lips…”

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Ahaha :)

Got a promotion today. A small raise and a new workstation. Now I get to see horny pigeons at it all day long! Btw greatest thing about my new workstation – it is the new smoking zone! The only one in my office! The downside of it – I am now important enough to be dragged into all useless office politics. Need to find more and more work outside of office!!!

Celebrations… YAY!

Pecked…

What happened to the girl who cared too much?

She got pecked by vultures.