Tagged :)

Tagged by Alicia. Here it goes.

A – Available? Not for long!

B – Best friend: Wow… no one.

C – Cake or pie: Cake. Specially Cheesecake. Of the blueberry Kinds.

D – Drink of choice: Grape juice, coffee, water. Vodka with any of them.

E – Essential thing used everyday: Lip Balm

F – Favourite colour: All Shades of Red

G – Gummi bears or worms: Neither.

H – Hometown: Delhi.

I – Indulgence: Monthly trip to the spa

J – January or February: February. Birthday time!

K – Kids and names: Hmm. Son Named Alaap or Parichay and Daughter named Aakruti or Prakruti

L – Life is incomplete without: Music

M – Marriage date: Ha! Sooner than you know.

N – Number of siblings: one younger sister.

O – Oranges or apples: apples

P – Phobias/fears: None anymore.

Q – Favourite quote: Everything can be faked. Just like orgasms.

R – Reason to smile: My dog. Food. Sex (but not always)

S – Season: Spring. Delhi is to die for in spring and it’s a little nippy!

T – Tag three people: Kunal More, Austin and Mystielily

U – Unknown fact about me: I am a coward and an escapist

V – Vegetable you don’t like: Wow, I can list almost all vegetables here.

W – Worst habit: I trust too easily and love too much.

X – X-rays you’ve had: Too many. I guess I’ve got most of my body X Rayed.

Y – Your favourite food: Pasta

Z – Zodiac: Pisces.

For Whom the Bells Toll!

I have a smirk on my face.

And I can’t wipe it off.

Do you hear the bells?

Plea

Toot kar bikhar chuke ab hum…

Meri jaan, bus… ab aur nahin.

I’m broken and beyond repair…

My dear, that’s it, no more.

Minus human

I have been struggling with my sleep for the past few days. Certain things have happened in the past few days that have thrown my life in a disarray.

It’s nothing new. It’s happened before. Each time, it hurts just as much. It takes longer than I thought to get used to the sting.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been sober. It’s been a long time since I’ve been happy. Shit, I can’t remember the last time I was happy… or sober!

2 AM and I cry because I’m still awake,
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I still love him. Winter just wasn’t my season”
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You’re all here for the very same reason

Because you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button,
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe… just breathe,

May I turn 24 on the base at Fort Bliss
“Just a day” I said down to the flask in my fist,
“Ain’t been sober, since maybe October of last year.”
Here in town you can tell I’ve been down for a while,
But, my God, it’s so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I’ll just sing about it.

There’s a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout because you’re just as far in as you’ll ever be out
And these mistakes you’ve made, you’ll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I’m still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd
Because these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you’ll use them, however you want to

But you can’t jump the track, we’re like cars on a cable,
And life’s like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe

*Song adapted from Anna Nallick’s version.

Prayer

Dear God,

Give me some strength so that I can deal with this thing that’s bothering me.

Thanks.

Neha

Abysses

She stands at the edge and looks at the vast emptiness that stretches in front of her. It’s dark and cold and she is intoxicated.

She closes her eyes and smiles… finally she takes the plunge… just to feel the sheer pleasure of free falling. Just to leave her demons behind for a quick flash of a second…

Every moment is filled with the apparitions of his soul. Her love for him is like a glowing ember that burns hot and slow, and she walks solitary along the corridors of time, trying to escape this overwhelming desire to be near him.

She knows she can’t be with him, but she does not know how to let him go. Maybe she will, maybe she wont. She has created a monster, because it breaks all rules, pays no heed to laws.

Darkness engulfs her as she falls deeper into the abyss. He worries. He thinks too much. She has folded her wings just for today. She sings as she falls. She cannot be still, she doesn’t want to be. She feels peaceful in moving like the rivers. This free falling gives her all the peace in the world that she would need. She is like the wind, one with the elements. She rustles the leaves for just a while and then moves on in her own frenzy. She breezes past lovers’ cheeks and slows down to watch them entwine. She carries fires to forests… she loves to fly… she finds peace in the ticking clockwork, the shrill cries of the morning crow… she finds peace in red and orange.

She is unlike any other that they might have seen. She wishes they won’t worry for her too much. She might be young and reckless but she is also wise and careful. She is the child and the mother, a saint and a sinner. She is a calm pond and the gushing rapids, the hot spring and the creeping glacier.. she is the world engulfed into one being.

She is daddy’s little girl, fighting a battle with the world.

Dear people, I ask questions because they are my solace, I doubt if you can answer all of them, I doubt if anyone can, but I will keep asking, even if to just shoot them into the oblivion. I will never lose perspective, because that gone, I have nothing else.

I do not waste my time at crossroads. I have always followed my heart. It sometimes takes me to the wrong roads but I don’t mind. I walk along the rolling pastures or frozen volcanoes, I walk carrying with me, the dust of my travels, building stories to tell. I occasionally stop to pick up a fallen leaf or take a sip of water

Once a while someone comes along and I hitch a hike. They show me a good time and leave me at the next crossroad. I learn. I hate directions, but I have traveled so much without them. I have learnt to follow the stars at night and the birds in the day. They are worthy companions, all of them. They make my journey even more worthwhile.

I ask you to not underestimate the power of a free heart. It will not be bound and will not be lost. It will guide and be guided.

The Letter Unsent II

My Dearest Shona,

Yes, I cried today. I am not going to sleep. Please do not pretend to care. I think we are past the stage of pretense. I know who you are and where you come from. I can be fooled once, but I am not stupid enough to be fooled twice.

Yes. I am a fool. I do still love you. That, unfortunately cannot be changed.

No, it doesn’t hurt me that you have moved on. I am glad that you did. What hurts me is the fact that you were in love with someone else when you professed your love for me. I have tried to forgive you for that many times. I still try. I will keep trying till someday I can begin to see why you did that and finally forgive you.

I have forgiven you for everything else.

There is a lot that I want to say to you. But you will probably not understand any of it. Someday you will. And maybe then you will know what you have put me through. Right now, I cannot decide who do I feel more sorry for.

You?

or Me?

Take Care,

Neha

The Letter Unsent

My Dearest Shona

I hope you are sleeping well these days. Every night, I lay awake, praying that you be sleeping. God doesn’t listen to me much, but if he lends me an occasional ear, I am sure you would be getting some sleep. Are you surprised that I am writing to you after such a long time? Don’t be. You have been in my thoughts more often than you can imagine.

I heard you are doing fine. Also heard that you sold your car. I am sorry about that. I am not going to offer you money, I know you wouldn’t take it from me.

You remember the day I left? Well, I remember you asking me if I was going to be alright. I remember not saying anything to that. All this while, I have been asking the same thing to myself.

It was funny running into you the other day. Seeing you with her made me feel exactly the way that I had imagined it would. But I am not going to throw accusations at you. You did what you had to do.

I have been mulling over what you said that day. Yes Shona. I have forgiven you. I love you too much to not forgive you. But no. You and I are not the same.

Before I had met you, I believed that all of us are the same. We share the skin made up of the same cells. Our hearts beat the same. We all breathe the same air. We all think, feel and act. I used to think that under all the facades, we are all the same. Insanely human. Helplessly mortal.

But after this course of events, I have realized that we are not the same, you and I. We are very different. The colour of your skin is a shade darker than mine. We do not speak the same language. We do not bow in front of the same God. Over the time I have realized that these three simple things make us more different than any amount of things that make us the same.

Your God tells you what to do and what not to do. Mine only stares at me from a corner of my soul and smiles. Thats essentially what makes you, you and me, me.

We are different and I am sorry that I ever thought that we were the same.

I am glad that you have moved on. On my part, I have learnt to laugh again. That’s something I have worked hard at. Part of me thinks that you do not nurse any guilt related to me any more. But if you do, please don’t. We just happened to chance upon each other at an intersection of our lives. The roads ahead are long and winding for both of us and they carry us further apart from each other than before. I guess that’s how it was supposed to be.

Good Luck…

Neha

Happy Deepawali

This Diwali, here’s wishing every one a saner life!

Cheers!

Stronger than Before

I refuse to succumb to you. I refuse to let you win again.

I have not yet learnt how to fight fire with fire, but I have now gotten adept at getting burnt and not feeling a thing.

This time, I am going to put up a fight. I am stronger than before. Stronger than you ever were.