Of Nonsense and Insecurities

I feel a strange sort of melancholy today. It’s embarrassing how I desperately want to cling to husband all the time. He loves me. I know that. He loves me more than anything else in the world though sometimes he likes to be very difficult. But the fact is that he perhaps loves me more than I love him. I still feel this undeniable perpetual urge to hold on to him indefinitely (perhaps till he removes me surgically from his body!!)

A long time ago certain things happened… I am mature enough to not mull on them too much, but sometimes one does think about those things which had a permanent affect on one’s life. It’s strange how life is so good and for a brief while in your day, it become almost unbearable.

I have never had many close friends. Till date, I keep my distance. Perhaps because too many friends have left without goodbyes. Perhaps because it’s all too familiar when they leave. Maybe there’s something wrong in me, or maybe I expect too damn much. I don’t really know what the problem is but whatever it is, I know that sometimes I miss being with my friends. I hate it that I am so needy for my husband because my world sort of ends with him. There’s no one… yes I’m positive. No one has stayed by me for long and sometimes my insecurities take over me.

I went back looking at my past today. Literally. Took out a dusted photo album from what seemed like a different life… and wondered if things will ever be right, or ever be the same…

Perhaps not… But maybe that is for the good. Only time will tell…

p.s. – did i just make any sense?

There’s this asinine character in my office who’s trying to prove me incompetent. I fucking hate him!

Husband Goes to Jaipur 1

BTW husband’s gone to Jaipur today. Have got 3 excited calls from him in the last 2 hours. More on his exploits later!

The Phone Call

Me: Hello?
P: Hey
Me: (Gasp followed by silence)
P: Hello?
Me: Yes.
P: How are you?
Me: Surprised. You tell me.
P: Yeah well, this is awkward.
Me: Yes. It is. Why are you calling?
P: I don’t really know
Me: Nice. Can I hang up then?
P: No please don’t.
Me: (Silence)
P: I know it’s wrong and I know I’m completely out of line. I was really thinking maybe we could talk.
Me: There is nothing in this entire world that I would want to talk about with you.
P: I know… I…I don’t know what to say. I guess I just called to say sorry.
Me: Yeah?
P: Yeah.
Me: It’s too late. You know that, besides it doesn’t really matter if you’re sorry or not. I’m beyond the point where I could care about that.
P: I know. I don’t know how to say this… I am going to be in town for the week. I was just wondering if you’d join me for a drink… maybe for old times sake.
Me: (Laughs) Really? A drink… Really? Wow, you’ve got some nerve.
P: (Sounding a tad uncomfortable) you don’t have to be rude.
Me: No no, please note, I’m not being rude. I am being sarcastic. I cannot believe that you have the balls to call me past 11 pm and then tell me that you’re sorry for messing up my life and then ask me out for a drink. It’s taking time to sink in.
P: are you telling me you can’t meet? Is this your way of punishing me?
Me: Are you telling me that you’ve hit your head on a rock and have completely forgotten that I am happily married and I don’t drink anymore?
P: You don’t have to be rude… I am not asking you to come alone. You can bring your husband along.
Me: of course. What a fine time we’ll have. (Sounding pretty angry now) I am sorry P that you think you have any chance of redeeming yourself. For what it’s worth, I had almost forgotten about your sorry existence. Please note again, I am not being rude. I am just being myself- the person you suddenly couldn’t stand being around. And I don’t really understand why you’re calling me after two years to vomit all this shit. You have no business calling me or saying whatever you want to say because I don’t give a rat’s ass about how sorry or how cold or lonely you’re feeling. In fact, I feel I could just let you rot some more in your guilt. And maybe, add some more misery to your stock. Make a mental note to never call me again. EVER. (Slams the phone)

Protected: It’s just a little crush!

This post is password protected. To view it please enter your password below:

Password:

Let the Bitchiness Begin!

So my office is a little small… well you can’t really have everything can you now? I happen to have this real shit of a colleague and I’m going to refer to him as Sucking Loser

Now I don’t work under SL but he thinks he’s God (everyone else in the office thinks he’s Sucking Loser). Why he would think that he’s so cool, only God can tell. So SL comes to me this afternoon – that’s right folks, he comes to work in the afternoon because he loves his mommy and can’t seem to leggo – and tells me that I need to run an errand for him. If I was not recently married to Husband, who has trained my vocal chords to be totally shrill and supersonic, he could’ve got away. The truth is, I have this wonderfully crappy mood that I’m in perpetually and he almost got clobbered to death.

SL looked like he was down in the dumps for the whole day after that and my boss (the Vice President, if you please), who witnessed the entire episode, sent me this

The New Mantra

So my boss really likes me. Not to blow my own trumpet, but yesterday, I got a mail from her which simply said “You’re doing a great job. I am so glad you’re here “

That made my day. Between the daily yelling at my husband and the nonstop cooking and cleaning, these words comfort me.

I have recently realized that I think too much about the bad stuff that’s been happening to me. I dwell too much on the bad people in my life – people that I simply can’t throw away from my life. Also I realized that all the problems that husband and me are having are because of his family interfering in our personal life and because that’s completely unacceptable to me.. So I decided to practice a little reverse psychology on myself. On my way to office today (the entire 45 mins drive) I kept chanting “I love Husband’s family” just so that I wont think about the ways they make me feel bad. I figure that since both husband’s father and brother are in the army, I will have to spend very little time with them. which means that every year, maybe I would need to tolerate them for about 70 hours. That’s not bad. In fact, that’s quite doable. No no, I can definitely do that much.

Money’s been on our minds perpetually. Husband told me yesterday that he’s unable to concentrate on work, thinking about money. But I know money will come soon. It’s so within reach. In one month, a deposit that I made about 5 years ago is going to mature. A whole lot of money that is. In another month, he will get the money that his previous company owes him and that’s definitely a HUGE sum. The end of this month, we’ll both get our salaries. The money crunch basically happened because husband left the job and I wasn’t working. At the same time, husband’s dad took out a considerable sum of money from his account and lost it in stocks. We were both not working for almost a month and used up whatever little we had left with us. The deposit of the house and the tacky furniture that we bought just stopped short of bankrupting us.

But money will come. Soon. I am doing well at work and in 2 months, I will be a permanent employee, with a hefty raise. That should be something.

Haha… anyway. Husband calls me everyday on reaching and gives me a sweet kiss. Some days I just can’t imagine my life without the pervert! Some days it hurts so much that I feel like clobbering him to death, but I guess it’s more to do with me than with him. I have a history of mania and bipolar disorders and maybe that’s why some times, I’m so sensitive to the simple things he says…

Things will soon be alright though and I’m really waiting for the day when small things will stop bothering us.

Let’s Talk About The Wife.

It feels strange to know that I’ve grown up. Always used to look at my mom and wonder why she’s so dull. She seemed so to me at least. There was absolutely no zest in her life. Nothing to look forward to. Just work- household chores – sleep – work. Her life was limited to this daily cycle.

Right now I am there. Just right there. There’s absolutely nothing to look forward to. No fun. No frolic. Nothing.

Husband is on leave today. I have been asking him to take me out to the movies. Ever since I have got married, I haven’t seen a single movie. He told me he doesn’t feel like it. Sometimes he says, we don’t have the money for it. The whole situation just sucks too much and I am left to wonder, if sacrificing always falls to the lot of the wife. I haven’t ever seen my dad or my husband or any of my cousin brothers or male friends sacrifice anything. They need their full sleep, or their meals right on time. They demand sex at their fancy. They want to go out, when they want to go out. What about the wife?

I feel bad. Really. I feel as if my existence doesn’t mean anything. The worst part is, that he will never understand it even if I try to make him understand. The trying itself is too taxing and hence there is no possible solution in sight… except the one that’s the most abominable. I should stop sacrificing too and let the friction build to the point where either the two of us can’t stand each other… or we are not together anymore.

Wonder what mom would have done?

Ahh… Weekend. Did some cleaning and some decorating the entire two days. We have been awfully slow in unpacking and I am definitely taking time. If it was up to husband, he would unpack immediately, but we dont have much storage space and hence the unnecessary yet unavoidable delay.

We went to the Tibetan market down at Cannaught Place yesterday, in search of some curios for the living room. Unfortunately, I am an idiot. I forgot that the market is closed on Sundays and so we went all the way and came back almost empty handed. Almost. Husband fancied a gross looking skull of a Tibetan mountain goat. It was gross. I mean it. A skull decorated with metal. To add to my agonies, it was expensive. But husband felt as if his life would be incomplete without the gross remains of a dead animal and so there it is. The skull, looking down at me with a cunning smile from a corner of the living room.

Now that the gross goat resides in our house, I am thinking of avenging myself by buying the lampshades that my husband thought were a little dull and unnecessarily expensive. But that will have to wait. Can’t be extravagant and ruin the fun for myself. so the seemingly dull and expensive lamps have to wait till next month.

Really keen on buying that TV too but that will have to wait for till Diwali.

Anyway, the fun’s not nearly over. There are still many things to buy and if you are a woman, you would know that there’s nothing more therapeutic than some retail therapy!

Perfect Strangers

Can you remember remember my name
As I flow through your life
A thousand oceans I have flown
And cold spirits of ice
All my life
I am the echo of your past

I am returning the echo of a point in time
Distant faces shine
A thousand warriors I have known
And laughing as the spirits appear
All your life
Shadows of another day

And if you hear me talking on the wind
You’ve got to understand
We must remain
Perfect Strangers

I know I must remain inside this silent well of sorrow

A strand of silver hanging through the sky
Touching more than you see
The voice of ages in your mind
Is aching with the dead of the night
Precious life (your tears are lost in
falling rain)

And if you hear me talking on the wind
You’ve got to understand
We must remain
Perfect Strangers

Couldn’t help but post this. Really identify with this song. Deep Purple are really something! Anyway, I am feeling very nice today. Don’t really know why but yeah life’s not all that bad.

Yesterday was almost in tears when mom called up. I don’t know why I’m being so hard on myself. Mom helped me through it. Gave me pointers. Suggested possible solutions and here I am. Life much simplified – things much easier. Husband and me had a fight over who gets to read the newspaper first last night! Cheesy, isn’t it? Bugger went to the other room and pretended to sleep on the carpet. What a funny sight. When I finished reading the paper and went into the kitchen to get water, I saw him lying flat on his stomach! I burst out and laughing and he started giggling too. what fun.

some days I wish things would just remain like that. I am so full of vigour today! Nice!