Love Is…

Yesterday was a strange strange day. Now before I start writing my post, it would be only correct to tell you that I love my husband. No actually I love him to bits. He’s actually my everything and he means the world to me.

Sitting in the traffic jam that took almost 3 hours to ease off, I thought about R. It was R’s birthday yesterday and I don’t know why, but I mailed him to wish him. When I was sitting in my car, waiting endlessly for the traffic to clear, I just somehow got to thinking about him.

Though a part of me says that I hate him, another part said that it was not his fault. Whatever happened, just had to happen. It certainly opened my eyes to who I really was – a mediocre girl, looking to have a storybook life. I don’t know what our brief relationship meant to him. I really don’t know if my measly existence made or continues to make any difference to him. All I know is that for the brief time that we were together, I really loved him a lot.

He left leaving a void that I just couldn’t fill. He was my one chance to have that story book life that I always dreamed of. He seemed to be my one chance to find true happiness. At that time, when he left, I experienced a low that I had never felt before. It was almost like someone had come and taken everything away. Not knowing why he left consumed me in a way that nothing else did.

After he left, I had a series of insignificant flings. However, every time I was with someone, I would only think of how it would have been to be with him. It was almost brutal. He called me once – 3 years after he had left. To give me closure.

He actually thought that it would do me good. It did no such thing. I would be lying if I said that I had moved on… had forgot. I had not. I was still where he had left me. I hadn’t moved a centimeter. I was waiting for him. Dying inside. Wondering when he would call. I never realized how bad he was for me. Somehow, every time he left, he drew out the worst in me. I would wallow in self pity, lose all my self respect and beg – almost grovel at his feet to take me back. It hurt, oh it hurt so much and sometimes it felt that it was better to die than to live like this.

His last call to me was an eye opener. He insulted me. He yelled at me. He told me I was nothing. And I realized that he was right. I was nothing. I was an insect that he could stamp on and move anytime he wanted. The worst part was – I had put myself in that position.

I kind of got lost thinking about him and the things that should have been or could have been. When the guy behind me honked, then only I realized that the traffic had begun to move and that my cheeks were wet.

I am married now, and like I said, I can’t say it often enough – I love my husband a lot. I still sometimes think of R sometimes and wish that he has found something worthwhile in his life. He sounded broken the last time I spoke to him – drinking alone in a pub on his birthday. But I don’t really know him well and so I won’t pretend to know what he is going through. I sometimes suspect that he is a liar and a great actor. But then that’s just me – a great liar and an ok actor. Whatever it is, R, if you ever read this – I finally have no ill-will towards you. I meant it when I said I loved you but right now, it’s inconsequential. I want to thank you for leaving when you did, because I suspect that if we had ended up together, we would have been a disaster. I forgive you and in fact feel a little indebted to you. You were the first person I ever really loved and You made me realize what love really is…

Let’s Vomit a Bit

Ok so what was the grossest thing that you ever witnessed? Why do I ask such a question first thing in the morning, you may wonder…

I have a reason. But let me give you some background first. I work in an office which is in a commercial complex. There are about 50 other offices in my building, with 20 offices on my floor. If on an average, there are about 50 people working in each office, we have about a 1000 people on my floor. Given the M/F birth ratio of India, I am guessing that out of the 1000 people, there would be 400 females.

So what’s the problem you say… The problem is, that we have only 4 bathroom stalls for 400 women.

Gross? But I guess you get my drift. Now, we are all civilized people here, right? Working in big offices, driving shiny cars, wearing expensive perfumes and living in the capital city. At least I thought so.

Needless to say, I was wrong.

This morning I went to the loo and almost lost my breakfast on the floor. I saw this lady… or should I say… this person… (I am sure she was no lady) standing in front of a wash basin with one foot inside the washbasin, washing her feet.

Yep. That’s right… Welcome to the jungle people! and stop gagging please…

This Crap Just In

“As a writer, your job is to give research and understanding to me and as an editor, my job is to write and style the crap you send me”
- Lame Ass Bitch

So keeping in mind the words of my worst ever nemesis, the LAB aka my boss, I am whiling my time away to give at the end of the day – a pile of crap. I fret and cried over this the entire week and now I have decided. Her wish will be my command. If it is crap she asks for, it is crap that she will get.

Oh and to add for good measure – she sucks baboon balls and I fucking hate her.

p.s. – I have stopped smiling at her and today a little birdie (read HR) hinted that she’s gonna get the big boot on her ass. Yes folks, the bitch – straight from hell, is gonna be thrown out!

Happy Diwali!!!

Sob Stories and Lame Ass Bitches

Wow. I never realized that I was a Bigot. Yet here I am in all my glory. Propped up in front of my computer. Hating my new South Indian (Lame Ass Bitch) boss and pining for my old American (super cool) boss.

When did I become like this? I really have no idea. I seethe, with fumes coming out of me literally, every time this lady crosses paths with me. Every morning I wake up and pray, “Dear God, please let her hit her head on the tarmac today and go into a coma.”

I hate her. Every time I see the irritating plastic smile that she has managed to plaster on her face, I feel like yanking her lips off.

Yesterday she squeezed her way onto the lunch table while me and my colleague were having a peaceful lunch. Armed with her idlis and her coconut chutney, she attacked me in front of everyone.

Please take a look at this riveting discourse.

LAB: I’m sorry to have turned your lunch into a review, but the last piece you sent about Mexico was total crap.”
Me: “Sorry?”
LAB: “Yeah, sorry. I have flung it out of my window because it almost made me ill. You need to go in depth. I know it’s impossible to go in depth in 250 words, but I want detailed explanation of every word you write. I know I am new to the game and don’t know shit about it, but if I don’t understand the terminology of the game, I will junk your piece.” *Smile* (These were not her exact words but they amounted to something like it)
Me: “Excuse ME?”
LAB: “Oh you are excused. Anyway, you are fat and you don’t belong in the corporate world. You should go back to writing about flood victims.” (These are her exact words and later in the day, My American ex-boss, who is now her boss, call her and made her apologize to me.)

At this point, I almost flung across my plate at her. By almost I mean not at all and by flung I mean move aside and by her I mean no one in particular.

I hate myself for taking this shit. And I hate her more for being the cock sucking whore that she is (wow my language really grows colorful around her!). If not for the HUGE debt and the major financial crises that I’m facing, that bitch would have been bleeding to death somewhere.

Sigh… Happy Thoughts Girl, Happy Thoughts…

This Just In: My Life Sucks…

My weekly off from work is on Sunday. Yes thats right people. I get a measly one day weekend. But apparently, people from all around the world think that I have a blast from Friday evening to Monday morning.

I don’t have a blast Fuckers! In fact, I can’t remember the last time I had a blast. If you think cleaning 2 toilets, scrubbing the tiles of two bathrooms and a kitchen, washing the panes of 16 large sized windows, cooking for a husband who’s tummy is a bottomless pit is fun, you should trade lives with me and revel.

I hate this entire ‘thing’ of women being responsible for EVERY household thing. While I slave around, you know what my husband does? He sips soda and watches the TV, lying on the brand new couch. Yes! Let’s give it up for my lazy and ever complaining husband.

I am so tired right now. I haven’t slept in three days. My father in law is coming next week so we emptied the room that we were sleeping in (the one room that had a bed) and shifted to the other room where we have arranged the mattresses on the floor. Now why we do this? Because it takes yours truly one week to adjust to a new sleeping place. So here’s the deal. We have arranged the mattresses in such a manner that it is against the wall at two places. What’s wrong in it you ask? Well my husband sleeps in the open space while I have to sleep against the wall, which would be fine if husband wouldn’t keep pinning me to the wall every 5 minutes in his sleep!

So after I kept banging my knee and my head against the wall every 5 minutes for 3 nights straight, people want to know whats wrong with me this morning. I AM GRUMPY COZ I AM NOT RESTED. I HAVE NOT SLEPT AND MY KNEE FEELS SORE!

On top of this, my newly instated boss, who we will call “Lame Ass Bitch” (LAB) is consistently driving me to the end of my wits. Every two minutes my phone rings because she needs to give me new instructions. In the two days that she has been here, she has passed two rude comments – very very personal in nature.

She has made my life a living nightmare. The work that I enjoyed so much two days ago, has become a pain and I, always smiling, can now be seen frowning or crying at my desk. Yes Folks! Crying. LAB just told me yesterday that the raise that I had requested will not be given because she hates my work.

It’s time to rejoice.

Diwali is bringing such joy this year!

The One Who Did Not Burn Me With His Passion

Lately I have been flooded with work. So much so that yesterday my boss came to me and told me that she was trying to get me an assistant because she knows how flooded I am with work and how it’s been difficult for me to manage my new house, new marriage and new work. I love that woman. I seriously do.

Anyway, even though work’s been hectic, I take out time to read some blogs everyday. I have lately stumbled upon Beautiful Mess and don’t know but just dug in her archives.

There are so many things about her that just remind me of me…

In one of her posts, She talks about not being able to break it off with someone for the fear of hurting them. I too was like that at one point of time. I mean I dated this guy who had an OCD for almost 3 months, just because I didn’t have the heart to tell him. He was weird and cheesy and sometimes downright creepy. So much so that a couple of times, he actually stalked me. So many times, I saw him standing under my balcony, trying to peep in. I was scared of him and loathed him. I would start hating my body when he touched me but I still couldn’t tell him. In fact, just to avoid that confrontation, I changed jobs and moved cities.

Intelligent and brave. I know. But well, that was what I was like 4 years back.

I sometimes marvel at how some of us live on, day through day, feeling utterly lonesome. Sometimes I feel it grows on you. I mean for almost an year, I lived in Bangalore. I didn’t speak the local language. My colleagues and I had nothing in common and so I didn’t talk to them much and I was unable to find a roommate. Hence I was pretty much alone. That actually was also a time when I started drinking heavily and smoking. No excuse, I know. But it just happened that way and the alcohol and the tobacco just made sense at that point in time.

However, now that I am married, I crave to have some alone time. My husband is new to this city and he is not the kind of guy who’ll make friends very quickly. He takes years to make one friend and shies away from socializing. he hardly ever goes out. He leave home with me and comes back when I do. He even insists on reading the newspaper together. So you see, sometimes I feel that I need some space and time alone. Just to think. Just to be with myself and everytime I feel like that, I literally brush him off or slap his hand away from my body. I desire no human touch.

Then again when it’s time to sleep, I need him to hold on to me, to hug me and cuddle with me. He does that, oh believe me he does! But even in the middle of the night if I wake up and find that he’s not holding me, I wake him up and ask him to hold me.

I am crazy. I know.

This desire to be with someone – the long for a human touch… this is, I guess more a state of mind. I don’t really know the physics and the chemistry of it, but I have experienced the biology of it…

J, if it is of any comfort, men are weird. I mean really. My husband has never praised me in front of me. he doesn’t compliment me. I make food for him, everyone compliments me on my skills in the kitchen. My husband – never. He just eats. Never says its good, never says its bad. He never compliments me on my body (not that there is anything great to compliment), my clothes or how I look when I am dressed up.

I always dreamed of a fierce and passionate love. One that burns you and consumes you. (Un)Fortunately I have experienced that too. It is just over hyped. I mean really. You know how your petrol tank gets empty when you keep driving your car? The passion runs empty too, when reality sinks in. It happened to me, it happened to many girlfriends, sisters and cousins. It’s disastrous when the passion runs empty because by then you get used to the passion. You need it, you demand it and when it’s not there, you realize that a part of you has gone missing. You feel empty and frustrated and deceived and cheated. And mind it, so does your partner. A rift that starts to develop finally ends the relationship.

I still think of the man I shared that passion with. Sometimes, I lay awake thinking how it would have been if I were still with him and not husband. But he is a distant memory. And it would have been terrible to have ended up with him. He was hot and great in bed. He was the kind who breathed his life into me – spontaneous, charming, energetic, the kind of guy who drives you 400 miles to make love under the stars, the guy who calls you at 4 am when you are in a different geographical state and tells you he is standing outside with his bags., a guy who left you poetry on your pillow when you woke up in the morning. He was all of that, the stuff that dreams are made of, but being with him in the long term meant living with a drunkard, piling on expenses that we didn’t have money to pay, debt and many social and moral misgivings.

In the first month of my marriage, I felt a little disappointed. It was because of all the dreams that I had about my life after marriage. I was because I was so stuck up with “Mr. Burn My Soul With Your Passion”, that I never thought of a simpler man. A man who would accompany me to the dentist when I am in pain. A man who stands by me patiently when I take hours choosing the color of the drapes. Someone who loves my parents just the way I do and stands up for me when I am too weak to do that for myself.

That is who my husband is. He is not the kind of guy I dreamt about all my life, but he is the guy that I wish I had dreamt about.

Really.

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Death To You Assholes

It’s so hard for an asshole to not be an asshole. I know it because all my life, I have had close associations with assholes.

This post is nothing about any of my romantic entanglements with assholes, but is a direct tribute to the asshole who was my manager and who unfortunately runs an organization that is a$$ raping many innocent people.

I left that organization a long time back. There were primarily two reasons.
a) The asshole was too much to bear.
b) I was getting married soon and decided to take some time off.

Now this asshole, this rat, he incidentally runs a little scam in his crummy office. He embezzles funds. Apparently right after I left, he got caught. One of the directors caught a whiff of it and decided to settle it amicably, informing him that his little racket had been busted. He being the asshole that he is, decided that he was not getting his cash flow cut off like that. Incidentally, he also wants to be known as “The Libertarian” of India. The only guy who repackages American libertarian ideas and puts on them a ‘made in India’ or a ‘first time in India’ tag. So a charge of fraud would have been really bad for his image. Instead, what he conveniently does is, places the blame on me. An ex employee who is now nowhere to be found.

I loathe him.

Today, I was talking to an ex colleague and she told me that he has been telling people about how I have made money out of his amazingly simple and puritan program for poor and needy children. I felt upset and called him to demand an explanation. I was given none. Instead I was told that my colleague had misinterpreted him. He only meant to say that my dues were not settled. I find this amusing because three days earlier, he issued me a signed and stamped letter saying that I have no dues remaining with the company (I needed the letter for some paperwork in my new company)

I hope that a thousand rabid dogs feast on his danglers or that he gets a terribly unbearable burning sensation every time he tries to pee.

Amen.

p.s.- while I’m still making wishes, I might as well wish that the three more assholes and a bitch who’ve been trying to continuously ruin my life be fed alive to hungry pigs and a plague of rats.

What A Bright Saturday!

Woo! So many things to write about today… Exciting Exciting day!

Husband got his money yesterday! ALL of IT! So guess what we did yesterday? We went Shopping Yoohoo!

We went to Tihar Jail Road and bought a Delicious sofa set. It’s yummy, I am not kidding! I am soo soo soo happy right now, it’s not even funny. Tomorrow we are buying a new fridge, a new TV and a new washing machine. Is it cool or is it cool?

Second, I ran into my ex. Someone I dated for almost an year before I dumped his ass off. It’s been only an year and he must have put on like a 50 Kgs! No Fucking Kidding! To top that, he has packed on almost similar sized ego. What a bloody nut case. I mean he was always cheesy and I always thought that he tried to put on that cool act which I completely hated and which finally led to the doom of what otherwise was a perfectly fine relationship… but God I’m so glad that that happened. Husband and I disagree on almost everything but one thing I love about him is that he is original. He never tries to pretend to be someone he is not. He is as honest about his shortcomings and flaws as he is forthcoming of his better qualities.

Yesterday was a major milestone in our life for two things. First, we both actually set up our house. I mean really. this is the first thing that we jointly own. The first Big thing that we bought with our own money. Wait, that was the laptop, so ok second big thing that we bought with our own money… Even when his side of the family completely shirked away from us, thinking that we will die of hunger and misery, we are going strong people! We now have the money that eluded us for a while and our relationship keeps getting stronger! Not only are we a few Lakh Rupees richer, we are finally turning our house into a home and that’s definitely something.

Yesterday was also important to us because we found a new faith in each other. Husband was definitely upset when I told him fatso was my ex. But we talked through it and made love with an intensity that I had never experienced before. He held on to me like he does every single night and I woke up again in his warm embrace, feeling so loved and protected.

Things are only going to get better now. The money has started to trickle in. In a few months, it will definitely start pouring, if not flooding. We are so optimistic right now that we have already started thinking of having our own house. Very soon, that too might just happen!

Ahh… Wonderful wonderful Saturday. I almost don’t feel bad about working today!