The End of Love

Have you ever felt this animal hatred towards someone? A hatred so pure and primal that you obsess with it? Today he beat me for the third time. Everytime he has ever beat me, I have hated him. Today, he beat me and then dragged me all over the house.

Some fairy tales aren’t meant to happen…

Note to Mom

So basically mom’s a little sore with me. I know that she is, even though she claims she isn’t.

Mom had a really hard time when she got married. Dad had chosen to stay with his parents and extended family and mom had a hard time with his mother.

I am terribly sorry for my mom. Whatever my grandma did to my mom, my mom has put that in the past. I however, have to bear the results of my grandmother’s actions everyday even though she has long since passed away.

Basically what I’m trying to say is that what my granny did to my mother was bad, but my mom suffered temporarily from her misgivings. I however, have a lifetime of physical discomfort because of granny’s callousness. Physical ailments that I have been living with and have to live with forever.

So it’s not right for my mother to tell me that I don’t know what suffering means. I don’t think it’s right for anyone to say that for me. Just because a person suffers in silence and doesn’t make a fuss about their suffering, it is not correct to assume that they know nothing of it.

And getting upset at me because I am suffering, doesn’t make sense to me mom. So quit it. And while you are at it, please also stop being upset with me.

Unsettled Again

Wow… I sure am weird. I mean I really need to keep a check on my emotional promiscuity. One moment I am here and the other I am somewhere else!

A lot of the credit for my really fucked up mental state goes to my dear dear husband. And why not. He drives me up the wall with his incessant cribbing and general bad manners and conversation skills. And then when I reach the top, ready to throw myself down and kill myself to end the misery, he gently stretches out his arms and carries me lovingly down.

Maybe that’s the general characteristic of marriage. That is perhaps how it goes.

Of late, we have started thinking of packing up and leaving again. It’s great to have finally found a soul as nomadic as mine. We both feel unsettled everywhere. The good thing is that he is always ready to explore new places with me. We are thinking of taking up education once again. Both of us. With my Master’s degree not being of any use anymore (yeah right, let’s hire the social worker who has no qualification in Internet Marketing, yet has been working in that field for over a year) I feel it would be good to have a qualification that at least goes with my current work experience. Incidentally, this is something that I like doing so it also makes more sense.

Husband has to definitely study some more if we want to start planning on leaving India. We are looking at some short term options. NTU looks to be a good option but Husband needs to have at least 5 years of work experience behind him for that. Right now he has only about 4 years of experience. Of course the education is going to cost an arm and a leg, so Husband’s family’s plans of seeing little baby Gautams to be lolling around are going to have to wait.

Oh and btw… we are taking a trip this weekend. We are finally going up to the hills. I wish I could drink to that, but I could get fired for drinking at work…. so that’ll have to wait.

Meanwhile if anyone knows how to earn a million rupees, actually make that about a thousand crores, in a couple of hours… or days…, please do me a solid and mail me!

Doomsday Theory

It seems strange…. You have mellowed down. Dulled would be a good word. You stay inside your prison. It hurts… this head. The low drone of a thousand spaceships in your head. It’s back again.

Aliens, taking over your mind, your body.

Incidentally, how does it feel to be shattered into a million pieces and then watch yourself being tinkered into a plaything?

Humans… they do not learn. They have incredible powers of engineering. They want to destroy and recreate. What is left after the destruction? What is it that can be really recreated?

I don’t know if I just made sense. I have stopped making sense lately. A long time ago, I had imagined that I have no longer the power to dream. And that felt good. There was still this one dream that escaped me when I swept them all out from my being. This small flicker of hope that someday… well, let’s just say someday. It hurts to see where all those who I mocked once came from. It’s not easy to be simple. Being complex, well that’s another story for another time.

Would it be the same in another life, in another world? Or maybe we are destined to be cursed. Maybe in another life we would have been chained to the same misfortunes.

In retrospect… trying to save yourself is futile. Doomsday… well.